On Failure
Nothing feels better than facing your own failures. It’s painful and humbling and slightly awkward. You look back and are forced to deal with the things you never did right and in a raw sense, you relive the right things, promising yourself you’ll be better next time. Because we learn from our mistakes right? Like starting over, failing is the starting line for a new race to begin.
Failure becomes the tangible evidence of our need for a grace giver and how abudant that grace always is. The thickness of grace somehow resides more in the pain as you let yourself feel the hurt and come to grips with what you did. It’s evidence is the clear form that the longer I hurt, the more I turn my internal self to His existence. It may not even be a word or an emotion I express, but more of a longing and a need to be in His presence. I imagine myself in the bottom of a pit I dug, surrounded by statues of mistakes and the idols I created.
I look to my side and Jesus stands there in the mud. He’s filthy too, I see His traces from walking in there. And in those moments I remember how real His pain is. I see what I have done and am reminded of the massive amount of sin He took because there was no other option. It was so much failure that God even looked away from His Son.
I can’t imagine that kind of pain. Jesus walked so intimately with His Father throughout His human life, through every moment that the pain was so strong, the bond so broken that the skies went dark and Jesus cried out.
You see, this doesn’t just remind me of my frailty, this reminds me of His on the cross.
Hoarders
So, I’ve been watching Hoarders..
Have you seen this show? It’s obnoxiously addicting. The thing I love most about this show is they take very real disorders and simply film it. Unlike other reality TV shows, you don’t have to create an environment for tasty television. For hoarders, you just film. Most of these people, understandably, already have enough issues to entertain us to avoid creating dramatic scenarios. You are stripping them of the things they have refused to get rid of themselves. The majority of the hoarders lash out in anger, as an attempt to gain control because giving away means losing control. Over stuff. I literally can’t take my eyes off of the television when this is on. I don’t know what it is about it, it’s pure genius.
I wondered to myself if it was my obsession with wanting to counsel or fix people that kept me jaw dropped, eyes fixed. Then I wondered if it could be the satisfaction I feel when I see a happy ending, a clean house leaving me feeling like the problem is gone.
I am this way to a small degree. I save shoes and clothes I never wear, I have piles in my closet of them because they don’t fit in my dresser but I don’t get rid of it because it contains some real estate within me that thinks once I get rid of it I will regret it. And then I die with regret, or something. I save notes, cards, lotions, bathroom accessories, high school uniforms. I used to save T shirts but I recently went through and gave away stacks of them.
Why do I have so much stuff?
I’m looking in my closet right now, it’s bursting with things I rarely wear and I think it’s time to give some away. I hope there is someone in need, Lord help me find them.
What about you, what can you get rid of and lose some of your control?
Basic Training
In September I joined a leadership training program at my church called Basic Training. This course lasts three months and consists of service, service, and more service. We are required to study, memorize, and be on call for whatever the church may need. My first night I thought it would be doable, and then my leader told me we would be at the church on Sundays from 5:45 am until 8pm at night with a break for lunch. I didn’t think about how hard Sunday would be and I made that commitment. But as soon as that was overcome and I managed my first Sunday, the real trials came. BT trainees are required to do 4 hours of service on top of Sundays and Wednesdays, pass an exam, have weekly missions with your team and on top of what I was already doing, I became overwhelmed. BT as a whole has been an incredible journey, but for the most part my learning has come through trial rather than joy. I have had to reprioritize to put it first, I have had to humble my attitude, and relearn submitting to authority.
I am so incredibly thankful to God. For the last 5 years of my life God has been faithful to put me in a constant state of learning. It started with stepping out of a bad relationship, to stepping out of my hometown. School was a huge challenge, graduating and finding a job was short lived but difficult time in trusting God. Getting baptized and diving into a deeper walk with the Lord, followed by deep relationships and community at my church. Which lead to being in a musical and going to Africa. Which leads me to now, BT.
Tonight I am headed to a mission with my group. The agenda: the men in our group are cooking for the girls and we can’t wear makeup or have our hair done. I am in sweats and loving it. This has been one of our coolest missions so far. I graduate in 3 weeks from the course and I am so excited to have my day to day get back to normal, but I am loving that God has had me in a constant state of learning.
A Brief History of Technology
When I was a little girl I remember begging my parents for a new electronic gadget that every girl had.
A gigapet.
Do you remember when these got popular? Did you have one? You know you wanted one if you didn’t and what in the WORLD.. How did those become popular? I can remember the specific emotion I had at how excited I was to have this digital cat I could feed and try not to piss off. That thing took a ton of attention. I think it even had a keychain, you know, so it was easier to carry around with my huge keyring with lots of important keys on it? I was 9, what kid has a ton of keys!?!
Moving forward, in 1997, according to the scholarly Wikipedia, AOL instant messenger was released. I was 12 then and I remember how cool I thought it was that you could talk to your friends over a computer. I remember waiting at home so I could get online just to chat with people. My first IM name was Beautifulris, after the boy who I had a crush on, that’s what he called me. Every one of my friends from church had one and it really was the it thing to do.
When I was 16 I had this computer in my room that didn’t even do much, but the fact that I had one in there that I could turn on was enough. It had a few games on it but the point was I had a COMPUTER. In my ROOM. No internet mind you, no one had that. Except dial-up, we had dial-up and limited our usage so it wouldn’t interrupt the house phone. Technology was exciting then. I remember a few years prior to that having my first email address and I would email my best friend Kelsey back and forth about how much we loved the movie The Prince of Egypt. It was also the cool thing to do to prank call OR if you were prank called you had the handy *69 option. OR what about when 3 way calling was a new thing. Totally super.
My first cell phone I got around the same time. I had this cool green case on my Nokia non-color cell phone and it had the snake game. So legit. I would play that thing for hours. I remember the phone had a texting capability, but at the time there was no such thing as a text messaging plan, and most phones didn’t have the receiving ability. I remember once hearing that I couldn’t send my friend messages because it cost at least a dollar. Having my own phone was super exciting. I see kids walkin’ around looking like they are 9 with phones, WHO DO YOU CALL? At that age I was running around outside, rollerblading, or hanging out with my cool mountain bike. I remember my first color phone too. It was also a Nokia and I was high rollin’ with that screen all lit up like the fourth of July.
And then I graduated high school. My dad got me a seriously cool Dell Laptop, and I hardly remember what it was for. I spilled Dr. Pepper on it. I also played World of Warcraft on it, even with the sticky keys. Stupid: the warcraft playing and the sticky keys. After the frustration of that I elected to buy my first PC. I was proud to have a computer, and at the time laptops were not as widely popular.
As I look back on this it is pretty incredible where we have come from in just ten years. How Apple has turned cell phones into tiny computers, with the ability to sync up to the internet anywhere is pretty incredible and now how you can update your phone without even connecting to your laptop is insane.
Makes me wonder where we are headed?
I regret to admit that I have recently turned Team Pinterest.
Let me make this clear: I am not one of those crafty, idea-driven girls but somehow this dark website has sucked me in. I waste the most time with recipes for great meals, makeup ideas, and fashion. To me it even sounds weird saying those things, but spend some time on there and you will see why. I assure you men you will want to stay far from it. Tonight I decided to create my own salad dressing and it turned out pretty great. I didn’t have all of the ingredients that I saw on Pinterest so I created my own.
Balsamic Vinegerette:
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/2 cup white wine vinegar
1/2 cup balsamic vinegar
2 Tablespoons brown sugar
Dash of: minsed garlic, minsed onion, salt, milk to add creaminess, and lemon juice.
There you have it! Yum!
Joska: Day 2
I woke up the next morning feeling like a brick. I’m not sure I had moved an inch while sleeping and I was more so shocked at how comfortable their dorm beds were. It made me happy that they at least had that. Every one was in a tizzy in the room. Disoriented, I was trying to hear what everyone was getting excited about. I overheard that we had to get up to see the sunset. I stumbled out of bed, grabbed my jacket and made my way outside. When I saw it I was stunned. Like, couldn’t move, couldn’t look away, couldn’t speak stunned. It was the brightest neon orange I had ever seen and since the land was so flat with no mountains in the distance, it was as if the sun was rising right in front of us. People started to crowd around and take pictures and I wondered if the kids thought we were being funny tourists with our cameras out, each one of us.
We ate a quick breakfast and prepped to do VBS for them. We made our way outside and as our first class came we were overwhelmed at how many there were. We had to yell at the top of our lungs to get all of their attention and my inner cheerleader came out to play. I had a ton of fun getting them excited, did my best to act funny and have them enjoy their time with us, and learn some cool new songs about Jesus. They taught us some new songs too and I became overwhelmingly jealous that dancing came so easy to them. By the end of the class rotations my voice was beat but it felt good to be in my element.
Fast forward to free time in the afternoon and I am in a panic again. It is starting to get to me how they deemed us, I hated feeling like we were something abnormally special. I went inside our lunch room to relax (hide) and started to tear up. Scott was in there and I started asking him because I couldn’t take it any longer. I vented to him how I felt and he said to not think of it as celebrity status, but rather they can’t fathom that we spent money just to fly to see them. To them, it was enough that we even flew there. We would have needed to do nothing. I then remembered being told the importance of Kenyan time, and how events, plans, and routine was less important than relationship and the moments. Just when I started to understand and let it sink in, from the corner of my eye I saw two of the girls that were in the class I talked with the night before, Fetties and Belita.
Each one of us had been put in a classroom that afternoon, door shut for at least an hour. We were given no time ahead that were going in their rooms, and were told we would have someone else with us. Little to our knowledge we would be in the room with them on our own. I was a bit panicked but the kids made it easy. They started asking us question after question from my siblings, family, my relationship status, my favorite bible verses and so on. I got to stop for a good length of time and teach on why I loved the passage on the thorn in Pauls flesh in 2 Cor. 12. There were two girls that seemed to take more notice of me. After we talked in their room, the entire class took us on a prayer walk. We went outside of the school perimeter and sang songs, prayed, and played games that I didn’t understand a word of. My two new found friends were on each of my hands at all times. The teacher thought it would be fun to tell stories, but I was embarrassed to not have anything come to mind so I sang them a song. I asked them to close their eyes so they could listen to the words of a song that our church did back home and how much it had meant to me. We walked back, hand in hand with my girls. So it was no wonder that the next day they would be looking for me during free time.
Scott was in the middle of his sentence when I saw them standing there. They were in perfect line of sight to see me and I realized they had been waiting for me. Waiting. I had no idea how long they had been waiting but in that instant I knew my walls had come crashing down. No longer did it matter what I was telling Scott, there were two girls outside waiting for me. I walked out there and asked them in a curious tone if they had been waiting and they said yes. We started walking, they grabbed my free hands of course, and I asked them where we were headed. They said it didn’t matter. They didn’t need a plan but I felt like I was responsible for making the time together last. We began walking to the basketball court area and I looked down at Belita’s feet and she wasn’t wearing any shoes. I was a little shocked and asked her where they were. She said she had lost them and I asked her if she had another pair. She simply said no. The next sentence of out of mouth stunned me.
“Do you have family?” she asked curiously.
“Yes I do. I have a mom, two dads, a sister, her husband, and their two kids.” I replied proudly.
“Can we write them letters?” Belita asked me.
“Of course you can.” I responded as I tried not to cry.
She had no shoes and it didn’t phase her, but she wanted to write my family letters. She wanted to write letters. I wanted to hide in that room and they waited for me and blessed me with that. Those two girls grabbed my heart and stole my love with the simplest things things and I have spent my entire life looking for blessings in the simplest form and that was it.
I got 7 letters from each of them, including my unborn at the time nephew and cried when I read the ones they wrote me. I had the privileged of giving my family theirs too. Before we left that night they asked me in quiet if I would return but I followed instructions to not make any promises and simply said, “If God wills it.”
I hope He does.
Joska: Day 1
I felt like I was drowning. Anywhere I walked was crowded with massive amounts of Jr. highers in small clicks of friends gathered every few feet. I walked slowly, trying to mask my inner paranoia at feeling what I thought were awkward stares coming from each of them as I walked to my destination. I could tell they were curious, but I could feel my skin crawling as I was being studied from afar. The introspection and confusion happened at higher velocity and I hoped to God that I would feel comfortable again, and soon. Comfortable.
I should have known to let my guard down the moment my feet touched the fine, dry sand that stretched as far as the eye could see. The border of the school was secured by a gate and guard though it was in the middle of no where; a sort of safe haven from the slums. The road to the school was an adventure, slightly terrifying and as our bus rocked at the massive dips and potholes. When we got off the bus my security bubble was infiltrated by Alice. Alice was in 8th grade and was as polite in her tone of voice as she was to carry my things. We walked to the dorm hand in hand as we had small talk; I presumed her teacher coached the class with what things would be nice to ask us. I gathered that the small groups of them that lingered slowly behind us as we walked were those not chosen to help us with our things, as if it was an honor to serve us. We made it to the dorm, dropped my things off, and walked to the church for Sunday morning service. The service was different, and I almost felt skeptical comparing it to my western view of a service. The music consisted of songs that were popular at least 10 years or so ago and they lasted as long as the worship leader wanted them to. One of our teammates shared with us for the sermon and it was incredible the humility we felt leading them in their service. I distinctly remember the invitation. There was no music, no emotional prayer that opened hearts, just an honest and raw question. “Is there a Daniel in the wilderness? Who has not come to Jesus yet, please come now.” It was solemn but it was strong. It spoke of the serious nature of walking with Jesus, responsible in maturity.
The rest of the first day is a blur. I remember trying to keep to myself as possible, not standing out, not speaking so I was not engaging in questions. I felt emotionally disconnected and I wanted to remain distant. I didn’t understand with how little time they wanted to show love to me and embrace me emotionally. But even more I didn’t understand why I wanted to feel isolated.
I went to bed that night quiet, my head hit the pillow and I remembered hoping tomorrow my walls would be torn down.
To be continued…
Fears vs. Dreams
A list of realistic fears:
(Note I am not including fear of losing God because that is not realistic, scripture tells me nothing will separate me from His love.)
Never getting married
Always putting up walls in discomfort
Forgetting the words of a song for a major performance
Staying in debt
Seeing my children with my same insecurities
Being a quitter
Not maturing in the Lord
Being comfortable and complacent
A list of realistic dreams:
Get married
Fighting walls with vulnerability
Rehearsing enough where mistakes are limited to nerves
Continue Dave Ramsey snowballing and beg Jesus on my knees for a well paying job, also: pay cash
Marrying a man with opposite of my insecurities hoping it cancels out for children
Making commitments within community for accountability
Remaining consistent in the Word
Obtain skill: perspective
Decisions Decisions
Last spring my friends created a writing outlet called Resource For Reluctant Brilliance and my friend Shannon asked me this question:
“You’ve recently made some big decisions in your life. How are you feeling about the decision process now, and how to go about taking things to God and knowing if you’ve done the right thing?”
I never gave myself the proper time to think about how to answer this and as I feel like I am coming to this season again, I am reminded of how awful/awesome this position is to be in. It sort of has to do with your trust level in God and your ability to submit to waiting. I am going to try and answer this as best as I can.
“Whether you turn to the right or to the left your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, “this is the way, walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21.
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord when He delights in his way.” Psalm 37:23.
“Acknowledge Him in all Your ways and He will make your paths straight.” Proverb 3:6.
I have no secret, no magical solution for how to best make a difficult decision. I have never had to choose something like a husband yet, (hoping He does that one for me 
but when it came to choosing a job, or choosing where to live there is only one consistent theme during the decision making process: I’m unsettled.
I have no scientific term to define how “unsettled” feels but I know I have to wait and put all of my trust in knowing He will answer me when He’s ready and that He loves the time of not answering me because I seek Him more.
In the times I have nothing firm to hold onto, all I have is the promise that He will guide me. My mind will navigate from idea to idea and I stop. He will guide me. And I wander some more. He’s promised to guide me. It doesn’t have to be up to me, and He wants to be the one to show me that. The result I have had in the last several major decisions is a change of heart and the only way I know it’s the Lord is because He’s changed it, almost immediately. He is the only one that can make me yearn for the opposite of what I was set on. Oh how He knows me, it feels so good to be known that intimately.
So on decision making, all you have is the promise that He will guide, nothing but the promise is firm and that is all you need.
A Love Song for Dreamers
Was day dreaming today about how fascinating it is to me to spontaneously up and move somewhere and start over, a blank slate. Not sure what the allure is, then these words came to me. It is very rough, so give me ideas if you have some!
–
What is this allure that pulls at us so
Like escaping the mind, letting everything go
You imagine the future is the next best thing
So consumed with forward motion, living with the in-between
Have you ever thought of starting over, leaving everything behind?
Packing up everything you know, crossing any state line
It doesn’t matter where you go, you think, as long as it’s not here
You think that starting over leaves nothing left to fear
Where you are is were you need to be
I know moving forward seems to compete
With whats going on, in your heart, in your head
I know you are a dreamer, I believe I am one too
We can dream these things together believing they come true
We’ll keep each other grounded
Stay, embrace, where you are is good
Stay, embrace, where you are is good
